I am a dreamer; I love to dream. Sometimes my dreams are an expression of my hopes. Other times they are a manifestation of my worries. In my dreams people are what I wish them to be, not necessarily how they are. Their flaws are smoothed out, and they live fully in their potential. My dream world can be quite beautiful. At times it is as real to me as the physical world. However, I never confuse the two. There is a difference between the way the world is and the way I would like the world to be.
This difference between how the world is and how I would like it to be is a truth that I tend to discuss when I talk about political and social justice issues. Do I address societal problems from the perspective of how the world is or how the world should be? But social problems are not the only context in which this question arises. When engaging with people, I find myself contending with it. Do I accept people based upon who they are or do I accept them based on the potential I see in them?
In searching for an answer to this question, I am drawn to the words of the late great Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” Her words are a sober reminder that the person you must accept is the person you see before you. While you may see potential in people, and they may even aspire better for themselves, you cannot let that discount the truth of who they are telling you they currently are. You cannot engage a person largely based upon who you think they will become, because the truth is they may never be that person. Rather, you must meet them where they are and choose to accept that person.
To be sure, you may not like the person as they currently are. And that is okay; you do not have to accept them where they are. But what you cannot do is live largely in your hope of them becoming a better person. That is not fair to the person, and it is not air to you. In the end you may end up hurt and deeply disappointed.
The reality is that a person’s decision to change and move from their current state is not a given. Sometimes people need to be motivated to change, and your unwillingness to accept them where they are can serve as motivation. However, if you continue to see them through the lens of potential and not reality, they may never be motivated to change. The irony will be that your hope for them may stifle their progress because you will reflect back to them a portrait of themselves that is aspirational not accurate.
Therefore, while it is great to see the potential in others, we must not confuse potential with reality. We must accept the person where they are and use our hopes for them in such a way that we motivate them to change, not stifle it. In the end it may make the other person better, but it will certainly make you happier and less frustrated.
–Until Next Time–
Palooke
